New short script.....feed back please..

[duffy]

?PRIMROSE LANE?

FADE IN

INT. APARTMENT / KITCHEN ? NIGHT

We hear a door slam shut o.s from the kitchen we see LEWIS 28 exhausted and hungry. Tossing his BRIEFCASE and JACKET on to the couch in the living room, he heads for the kitchen and straight for the fridge.

On the fridge is a note for him, he reads it.

LEWIS
Dear Lewey, have yoga class tonight
wont be home till after ten, blah blah blah, kisses and hugs Beth.
Lewis SCRUNCHES up the note and throws it in the bin.
LEWIS
Yoga again.
(opening fridge)
You would think you didn?t want to spend time with your husband.

A short time later.

INT. APARTMENT / LIVINGROOM ? NIGHT

Lewis is content slouched in his recliner chair watching football on t.v, with the remainder of his microwave dinner on the coffee table in front of him.

The half time whistle blows, he catapults out of the recliner and into the kitchen.

INT. APARTMENT / KITCHEN ? NIGHT

Opening the fridge door and grabbing a beer he pops the cap and just when the bottle is about to touch his lips, the phone rings in the living room, rolling his eyes he leaves the beer untouched next to the fridge. INT . APARTMENT / LIVINGROOM ? NIGHT lewis answers the phone.

LEWIS
Hello.

CUT TO:
INT. MAX?S CAR ? NIGHT

On the other line is MAX 30, lewis?s best friend.
We cut back and forth during this conversation.

MAX
It?s Max.

LEWIS
Maximillion what can I do for you.

MAX
Need a favour buddy.

LEWIS
(joking)
What now.

MAX
Im in PRIMROSE LANE, my car just died on me would it be ok to pick me up.

Lewis makes a DO I HAVE TO facial expression.

LEWIS
I just spent twelve hours in the office im only in half an hour and the footys on, and you want me to pick you up in the middle of no-where.

MAX
Come on mate, don?t make me beg.

After a couple of beats.

LEWIS
Give me twenty minutes.
MAX
Cheers mate, appreciate it.

They both hang up.

We stay with Max who puts his phone back in his pocket then steps out of the car.

EXT. PRIMROSE LANE ? NIGHT

Max steps out into primrose lane, the lane is pitch black surrounded by tall imposing trees.

Walking up to the front of the car Max opens the BONNET.

Tinkering with the engine he unscrews a small part placing it in his pocket, then getting back in the car.

INT. MAX?S CAR ? NIGHT

Max turns the key in the ignition, nothing.

He sits back tilting his head placing both hands over his face, he takes a deep breath then slowly exhails.

He looks out the window a tense expression on his face.

CUT TO:

EXT. PRIMROSE LANE / ENTRANCE ? NIGHT

A car enters the lane we see Lewis is driving, the lane
is rocky and full of pot holes the car slowly drives deeper into the lane.

INT. MAX?S CAR ? NIGHT

Max sits taping the dashboard annoyingly, he notices car
headlights approaching in the distance, he grabs his phone punching in a number.

MAX
(beat)
Its me, he?s here.
(beat)
Ok stay there we wont be long.

Max hangs up the phone just before his is illuminated by the approaching headlights.

EXT. PRIMROSE LANE ? NIGHT

Lewis pulls up next to Max?s car, both men get out into the lane.

LEWIS
Have you tried putting the key in the ignition.

MAX
Funny.

LEWIS
You leaving the car here tonight.

MAX
Yeah Jimmy Kimmel from Wilson?s Garage
is picking it up first thing.

LEWIS
(pointing at car)
Why don?t I take a look.

MAX
Don?t worry about it, I just want to get out of here.
(beat)
Fancy going for a coffee.

LEWIS
(glancing at his watch)
Go on then, missed the football anyway. Hop in.

Lewis gets in the car, Max pauses briefly he looks around he has an anxious look on his face then gets in.

INT. LEWIS?S CAR ? NIGHT

Lewis starts the car, before he can get it into gear Max interupts.

MAX
If you keep following the road ahead there?s a side road takes you out to the motorway only takes 5-10 minutes.

LEWIS
You sure.

MAX
Yeah came in that way, if you go
back the way you came it would take you about 20-25 mins.

LEWIS Lets get out of here then.

EXT. PRIMROSE LANE ? NIGHT

The car drives deeper into the lane slowly eclipsed in shadow.

INT. LEWIS?S CAR ? NIGHT

MAX
So where?s Beth tonight then, at home.

LEWIS
No she?s at yoga class again, she spends
more time with her legs wrapped around her own head rather than mine.



Lewis laughs.

Max stares out the window, he seems a million miles away.

LEWIS
You ok Max.

No answer.

LEWIS
(louder)
MAX.


Max snaps out of his trance, he turns to Lewis.

LEWIS
You ok.

MAX
Yeah just tired.

LEWIS
So what were you doing down here then.

MAX
(snapping)
Doesn?t matter now does it.

Lewis is taken back by Max?s tone.

LEWIS
Ok no need to bite my head off.
(beat)
What?s wrong everything ok.

Max has both hands in his pockets, sweat is rolling of his forehead he taps his foot nervously.

MAX
(his voice sounds shaky)
Fine, every things fine.

Lewis turns his attention back to the road, the headlights spot something up ahead a car.

LEWIS
Is that a car up ahead.

Max looks ahead his eyes widen, he recognises the car.

As they get closer to the car Max fidgets around in his pockets, they are almost upon the car.

The car is fully lit in the headlights Lewis has a puzzled look on his face, he turns to Max.

LEWIS
What?s.
(cutting his sentence short)

Lewis turns to Max a look of uncertainty a look like something doesn?t add up.

The car is almost upon the other vehicle, Lewis looks out of his window.

Then BANG

EXT. PRIMROSE LANE ? NIGHT

The car slowly comes to a halt careering to the side of the road.

Max sits shaking, beads of sweat roll of his face, holding a gun at arms length.

Lewis is slumped against the car door he isn?t moving, his blood decorates the inside of the car.

Max sits looking at Lewis in disbelief.

After a few beats there is a knock at the window.

Max jumps he turns to the window looking out recognising the face at the window BETH, sexy bewitching.


BETH
You did it.

MAX
I, I cant?I cant believe it.
(beat)
What have I done.

BETH
Hey its ok you did what you had to (stroking his face)
Am I not worth it.

MAX
(sounding unsure)
Of course you are.

Beth puts on a pair of black leather gloves.


BETH
Give me the gun.

Max hands over the gun.

Beth takes out a RAG from her jacket pocket she cleans the gun.

Max looks straight ahead out of the windscreen reality still miles away.

MAX
We can be together now, once the insurance comes through we can be
together.

BETH
That?s right together forever.

She hands an envelope to Max.

BETH
Here put this in the glove box.

Max leans forward, opening the glove box he places the note inside.

BANG

Max?s head thumps of the dashboard, blood drips down the dashboard and into the glove box blood drips over the envelope.

Beth places the gun in Max?s hand.

We stay on the envelope in the glove box Beth can be heard walking away whistling ?were in the money?.

We hear a car door shut o.s then her car driving away the sound of the car fading into the distance.

Still on the envelope.

MAX
(V.O)
Lewis was a good friend, he had
everything all I had was envy.
He had money a good home and the only thing I ever wanted, if I couldn?t have her why should he I will always love you Beth Love Max.

FADE OUT

[MatJimMood]

its good - i read it all the way through so it kept me interested.

i don't think it works as a short film though. it seems as though its a couple of scenes from a feature film because the characters don't have time to develop and you don't care what happens to any of them.

maybe you could develop it into something longer possible with max as the protagonist dealing with the guilt of killing his friend and being manipulated by beth.

also the dialogue needs a bit of work - it seemed a bit clumsy in places. the dialogue had some nice ideas and i could tell what you were trying to do but you haven't quite pulled it off. a couple of rewrites would sort that though

[duffy]

Awesome thanks for the feedback, should get back soon with a longer version, any advice on dialogue im a novice screen writer and dialouge seems to be a major prob in my scripts.

cheers duffy

[bigmasi]

buy a cheap tape recorder and secretly record your friends talking. It doesn't matter what are the convorsations about, just pick up some "real life" bits and pieces from what you recorded and change them to fit your script.

But I have to say that I didn't like the script so much. Then again I can't say exactly what's wrong with it so you can just ignore me :-)

[emjen]

There's this thing about dialogue. In movies, you never hear people speak as they do in real life. What you've got to do is make the viewers forget that the people talking on screen are real people. You do that with dialogue, but not with 'real dialogue'. Real dialogue is very, very lame. Things go on for minutes and no points are made. So recording people might help you for finding out distinctive voices, but you shouldn't use those types of dialogue in you script. What usually helps is better character development, and getting into the mind of your character when he/she speaks.

[bigmasi]

I think that when you record real dialogues, you learn a lot about the structure of a dialogue... for example how a joke is built up. Somebody says something that is not funny, but then another person says something that makes it funny. You know what I mean? And in real life this happens all the time, but it's hard (at least for me) to imagine these kind of conversations by myself without any reference from the real life...

Real dialogues also show how characters can be built trough what they say in different situations. And also you can learn how to avoid writing boring dialogue, because you heard something that was interesting and are thinking including that to your script, but when you hear it another time from a tape you see that it wasn't really suitable for a movie... I think you can learn a lot from real life dialogues.